The Zombie Apocalypse Bible

[DuPz0r 5361]

I found this recently. I think it's pretty cool. It's essentially a google map with custom filtered locations that would come in handy or steer clear of during a zombie outbrake. Only problem is, how would it work without the internet?! Print a world map anyone?

Check it out for yourselves:

http://www.mapofthedead.com/

If you allow it to track your location, it will show you all the handy locations in your area.

[narcolepsy 581]

Shit. No guns anywhere near me. Closest is Blackburn. Guess my plan is the best for me.

[Massacre 7646]

My town has a gun store right on Main Street. Science bless America.

[narcolepsy 581]

I did a little research and there IS what I believe is a firearms dealer close to me, it's very nondescript (I've never even noticed it until I did some research) It's an "outdoor leisure" place so I think they should sell them.

[Qdeathstar 1763]

I found this recently. I think it's pretty cool. It's essentially a google map with custom filtered locations that would come in handy or steer clear of during a zombie outbrake. Only problem is, how would it work without the internet?! Print a world map anyone?

Check it out for yourselves:

http://www.mapofthedead.com/

If you allow it to track your location, it will show you all the handy locations in your area.

I seen this a couple of days ago, its just google maps POI painted rid. Would have been great if it were a chooser your own adventure game.

[narcolepsy 581]

I've been thinking and my most plausible crisis isn't a zombie outbreak, nuclear attack or natural disaster.

It's short to long periods of intense rioting, I think anybody in the UK can remember the race related ones we had in 2001 and where I live was particularly bad. However it wasn't widespread, mainly locked down to two areas, however since then it's become less segregated, and areas are more multicultural, which means if one incident was to set off a riot in one area, it would begin in others too. There have been 3 incidents of gun crime within 5 miles of me in the last 3 weeks and I think guns could come into play.

[angeal18 138]

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2151098/Rudy-Eugene-Naked-man-eats-face-victim-high-LSD-police-shoot-Miami.html

http://img.ibtimes.com/www/articles/20120531/347540_miami-cannibal-attack-zombie-apocalypse-maryland-kinyua.htm

Blog site IHopeRickSantorum has compiled a list of various zombie-type happenings in Florida and other states over the past two weeks:

- On May 16, students and teachers at a Florida high school had to be decontaminated after a nasty mysterious rash broke out among the school population, according to the Huffington Post.

- On May 21, an Illinois, man was arrested after allegedly biting an 18-year-old woman's cheek, according to MySuburbanLife.com.

- On May 23, a man in California was arrested for allegedly biting the tip off of his cousin's nose off, according to NBC San Diego.

- On May 26, the same day as the infamous Miami cannibal attack, a Florida anesthesiologist allegedly banged his head against the inside of a cop car until he started bleeding following a DUI arrest. He then proceeded to allegedly spit blood in a police officer's face, according to ABC News.

[Qdeathstar 1763]

Interesting,vthough I thought zombie apocolypses happen quicker... Like one minute you close your bedroom door for a quickie, and in the three minutes it took you to cum, the world turned to shit, nc you say to yourself, damn motherfucker, I missed it

[Guest Marney-1]

We don't have gunshops (not where you can buy assault weapons or handguns anyway) but who needs them anyway? I'm absolutely sure I could get rigged out with semtex and assault rifles if ever I needed them.

[jobo 100]

Have you guys heard about the guy in Miami? He was naked raped a 65 year old homeless man then began to eat his face. The cops shot him 9 times. Only in America woohoo.

There is a vid on YouTube.

[Guest Marney-1]

Have you guys heard about the guy in Miami? He was naked raped a 65 year old homeless man then began to eat his face. The cops shot him 9 times. Only in America woohoo.

There is a vid on YouTube.

Yes. Haven't heard anything about him raping the man though and the video isn't worth watching.

[DuPz0r 5361]

The video only shows the faceless man rolling around from a distance after they shot the cannibal zombie. The news said they rushed him straight to hospital, when the video clearly shows him rolling around for 10-15 minutes.

There is a photograph going around on the internet of the guy, (eaten face) before and after.

Fuck it, it's here:

NSFW

[jobo 100]

The video I watched it sayes he raped him and it show the guy eating him from a distance.

[Massacre 7646]

While I would like to believe that the zombie apocalypse is upon us, it sounds like the guy was just fucked on PCP. What a shame.

[Brian 972]

When i try to go to page 1 i get a malware warning from google chrome

[DuPz0r 5361]

When i try to go to page 1 i get a malware warning from google chrome

I also just got that...

[jobo 100]

Ya I figured he was doped up and he has to be messed up in the head. Maybe it was because he played GTA.

[Guest Marney-1]

I knew it was him.

[DuPz0r 5361]

I had a random thought. How would you survive as a Zombie in the event of an apocalypse.... So i googled it, and sure enough, someone had the same thought as me

8 Zombie Apocalypse Survival Strategies (For Zombies)

The Internet is littered with how-to guides for surviving a

zombie apocalypse

by self-accredited zombie experts. You'll get tips on everything from shotgun maintenance to fortification repair to selecting a team of survivors who are all slower than you. But there's a lie underlying all these guides. The fallacy that we'll all be the survivors. But setting aside delusions of grandeur, zombie apocalypses are, by definition, really hard to survive. (Otherwise it's just one or two poor

zombies

milling about, while people take turns throwing things at them.) And if you take a long hard look at the Internet, you'll have to agree that in the event of a zombie outbreak, over 95 percent of Internet-users will be zombified before they can leave their padded chairs.

New and potential zombies are a demographic sorely underserved by today's Internet advice distributors. So, after consulting with the wildest-eyed experts we could find, Cracked has come up with the following guide for how to zombie to the best of your ability, and achieve full un-life self-realization.

Because finding or even reading this guide may pose difficult following the zombification process, we recommend you memorize all these steps now, before disaster strikes. Alternately, keep a copy close at hand, and should you suffer an infectious bite, staple a copy of this to your chest for ease of reference in your new undead state.

#8. Nutrition

The first thing you'll notice after zombification is the Hunger. You will never not be hungry for the meat of the uninfected, and will want to spend every minute eating human flesh, or when possible, brains, the caviar of human flesh. This hunger can never be sated, but don't let that stop you from trying -- in truth, a lot of the fun of being a zombie is in the trying.

And the lurching. There's nothing quite like a good lurch.

The problem with your new diet is the lack of necessary nutrients in human flesh -- a dietary deficiency which will be the cause for much of your bodily decay. You can retard this decaying process with proper nutrition, which sounds simple until you remember that any food that isn't human flesh will look about as appetizing as a cat turd to you. Fortunately it should be possible to trick yourself into eating something nutritious, as your intelligence will have decreased remarkably during the zombification process. By dousing foods in ketchup, you should be able to make them palatable to your blood-seeking stomach -- we use a similar technique today with children, also presumably because of their hunger for blood.

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With some pasta sauce on it, this looks basically like human brains.

#7. Exercise

A basic exercise regimen can also help minimize your natural decay, and allow you to keep up with your primary food source. At least three times a week you should be spending time working on your basic shuffle -- slowly increase the length of shuffle as you go, to help improve your necroticardio fitness. It's also not a bad idea to simply get good at shuffling -- you will be doing this a lot.

Weight training isn't usually important, as the zombification process will give you substantially increased strength, but if you wish, focus your efforts on shoulder exercises, as you will be spending hours of every day with your arms raised in front of you.

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You'll want your fingers free for mauling. We recommend using your teeth to carry valuable personal items and organs.

Finally, if you're in an urban environment, consider some step training, to help when shuffling up and over all those curbs. Few zombie movies cover this point in detail -- evidently the sight of dozens of zombies trying to mount a 6" curb and collapsing one on top of the other like gristly dominos, ruins the tension these films are trying to capture.

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For zombies, this is basically a war-crime.

#6. Social Networking

Science has proven that zombies work better in teams and you'll find your odds of making it in a dying world will be substantially improved if you form connections with your peers. Having friends around is useful for swarming, as well as for their ability to break your fall when you take a spill -- you'll be taking a lot of spills.

Mark Marek Photography

Zombified children have poor centers of balance and are an excellent way to bridge gaps in staircases or ford small bodies of water.

To find friends, attend places where there are likely to be other zombies -- malls, deserted gas stations, cemeteries -- and mingle. Don't worry if you're shy, or have confidence problems -- you will have similar interests as these unpeople. Simply start a conversation politely by saying "Blaaarrragh." Listen attentively and gauge the other zombie's response -- depending on whether they say, "Blaaaaaarrrgh," or shuffle a bit to the left, you'll be able to see whether this zombie wants to be a friend (both those actions indicate that yes, he does). Repeat as necessary until you are popular, or the hunger gets too much.

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"Blaaaaaaaargh. (You guys want to do something, or just hang out?)"

#5. Self Defense

The natural enemy of the zombie is the human, and those little pink bastards haven't made it to the top of the food chain for nothing. In the early days of a zombie breakout, most humans will be pretty soft and doughy, and pose no particular challenge. But as time passes, only the toughest, stringiest humans will remain -- and they will be much more heavily armed. Not only will they be harder to chew, the more aggressive of them will begin fighting back.

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Above: Considerably more difficult than Pizza Hut.

The most important tip is to travel in a group, as there is safety in numbers. When dealing with particularly ornery humans, try not to be the first zombie at the scene -- these over achievers rarely make it through feeding time with their heads intact. Hanging back like this is technically abusing your friends' trust in you, but it turns out that not having a soul makes this a lot easier to live with. Remember: a head is preferable to a soul.

That's another thing -- the head. For some sick, twisted reason, humans love attacking zombie heads, and you can expect them to take no end of perverse pleasure in aiming for yours. If at all possible, wear a helmet. Even something as simple as a colander can be enough to offer some protection -- perhaps against someone armed with a slingshot, or some uncooked pasta.

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The holes will also allow any of your head fluids to drain through.

But don't get over-confident with a helmet in place, as humans are extremely adaptable, and will instead focus on your other weak spots. As noted zombie-defense experts the Wu-Tang Clan have observed, remember to protect ya' neck as well.

#4. Romance

The longing to pair off with a kindred soul has lasted throughout human history, and there's no reason to think it won't survive the transition to inhuman history, even if the souls are no longer exactly present and everyone's a bit stickier.

Mark Marek

With luck, your nose will be the first thing to rot off.

The biggest challenge with finding said soulless-mate will be the communication difficulties -- "Blaaaaaaaargh" can mean both "I am for you, always" and "I have tremendous gas pain." You're also going to be cut off from the technological advantages today's humans have, with their dating web sites and sexting and teledildonics. Instead, you're going to be meeting most of your potential mates the old fashioned way -- through social circles and peers. It will be more than a little bit like how they dated in pre-industrial days, so if you have the time prior to zombification, spend some time around Amish communities to get a feel for how that plays out. Don't tell them what you're there researching zombie life though -- the Amish already have a poor impression of outsiders. Also don't mention the teledildonics thing either -- same deal.

Finally, because you never know when you'll shuffle upon that special someone, make a point of keeping yourself presentable looking. Always try and keep some fresh blood on your shirtfront to make yourself look successful. Mind your posture, keeping it hunched and stiff looking. And tear your clothes strategically to reveal your most suggestively rotted bits.

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Hot. Well, actually cold and clammy. But you get our meaning.

#3. Job Hunting

Even with civilization crumbling around you, remember that you are still part human. There is a deep and powerful selfishness built into your modified DNA, and it is probably inevitable that

zombies will eventually get around to the business of business. In the later stages of a zombie apocalypse, you can expect the most dynamic and successful zombies will be gathering, hording and growing precious resources -- building human farms essentially. The rich zombies will get richer, and if you can't be one of them, you'll want to at least be working for one of them.

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"ZombCorp has a great health plan -- your first two jaw replacements are free. And the glass eye copay is only half a frontal lobe."

The job application and interview process will be pretty informal, and will probably consist of a short conversation and a grappling contest. Bringing a resume is advisable -- but remember that the typical zombie resume will be very short, as your pre-zombie education and experience will be meaningless in this new world order. Focus on your quantifiable zombie-specific achievements -- number of humans eaten, barricades demolished, malls sacked, that sort of thing. It will of course be impossible to write any of this down, but taking the effort to smear a bloody stump of a finger on a piece of paper will show you have professionalism, in the exact same way that it doesn't currently do that at all in the human world.

#2. Sex

Your sex drive will drop off considerably following zombification, primarily due to the lack of blood circulating in your nether regions.

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"Blaaaaaargh. (I just kind of feel like cuddling right now actually, if that's OK with you.)"

It won't disappear entirely however, and you may find yourself feeling familiar and confusing urges again, perhaps when gazing at a gaping wound in the torso of a lovely zombie of your preferred gender.

Safe sex is critical, but not, interestingly, because of the risk of infectious disease (definitely there, but irrelevant). Remember that both of your bodies are slowly crumbling, so be gentle, and focus on pleasing only your sturdier appendages. You will also be substantially less flexible, so don't try anything too creative. Try a zombie-modified variant of the missionary position, which is like regular missionary position, but standing, arms outstretched so that the two of you are kind of grappling with your torsos still several feet apart. This is not in any way satisfying, but given the tremendous gas pain you're feeling at all times, that wasn't really an option anyways -- also note that this position will mitigate the chance of orgasm, which would be profoundly uncomfortable for all involved.

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For an idea of what this sounds like, jam a sausage into a wheel of Camembert.

#1. Retirement Planning

The unnatural lifespan of a zombie will vary anywhere between six months to several years, depending on how well they take care of themselves -- assuming you trick yourself into eating enough vegetables, you'll probably slot in to the upper end of that range. And if that's the case, ask yourself whether you want to spend your golden months shuffling around, competing with younger, fitter zombies for food? Them just tripping you up, and laughing at you and the music that you like, and using new slang that you're unfamiliar with.

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"Vlaaaaaaaargh. (OMG! LOL)"

That would suck like a gaping chest wound, so make sure to plan for your future and build up a nest egg. Capture and pen some humans in a safe place, being careful not to feed on them until you retire. Then, taking into account inflation and the reproduction rate for humans in captivity, you should be able to live off that supply for the rest of your unlife. If you don't want to go to that trouble, Zombie Mutual Funds are a sensible way to pool your resources with other investors. ZMFs are run by experienced professionals who manage humans in a collective fund, allowing their population to grow at sustainable rates. There is a cost to this of course, so be sure to do your own due diligence prior to joining a fund -- look for funds with a track record of steady human growth, and with low expense fees (ZMERs).

Conclusion

Being a zombie is not all fun and games. You'll be in constant pain, always hungry, usually disoriented and you will fall down -- a lot. Meanwhile your primary food source love, love, loves, shooting you in the face, and will even probably make up little games surrounding it. Finally there is a non-trivial chance your genitals will fall off.

"Blaaaaaaaargh. (Oh no. My beans.)"

With this guide ... well ... all those things will probably still happen to you. Sorry. But some of the time horrible things won't happen to you, and in those times you will be zombieing like hell, head intact and just killing it in all aspects of unlife. Blaaaaaaaargh! You'll live like a zombie boss, or at least you will before the human military drops napalm on you and your friends and the little grave you buried your genitals in.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/8-zombie-apocalypse-survival-strategies-for-zombies/

Bit a joke really, but funny nether the less.

[narcolepsy 581]

What role would you folks have in an apocalypse? I like to think since I have no bug out location I'd take the role of a pirate radio type person. I'd also run a website where people can radio in or something and give a general location of where they are and what they have, to create small communes of survivors.

[Massacre 7646]

Semi-lone wander/scavenger. Dual machetes in-hand, baseball bat (or cricket bat, since I should be in England by the time there's a full-on apocalypse) on my back, shotgun for emergencies, pistol for "Ah shit, I'm about to die" emergencies.

Unless you lot managed to meet up and form a group, it would just be me and my post-apocalyptic equivalent of a wife, whom I would have for companionship, motivation, and fucking.

I would just wander around, killing zombies, gathering supplies, and searching for a suitable permanent home for my wife and I. Any forum peeps I run into along the way are welcome to join me.

[jobo 100]

I would just wander the world. Go to all the vacation spots and when im about 60 I would go get a boat to live in on the river.

O and the Miami cannibal was on bathsalts and someone else did the same thing. So there is no more bathsalts.

[Smissen 0]

Intel:

I think the zombies are going to be more humanoid and are able

to run. But I hope they are slow.

Refuge:

Where you will hold up.

Switzerland,they are always neutral

Rationing:

What you will do when you run out of food & water.

If possible,I would try to rob the supermarket of all her meat and

bottled water and dry the meat at my place and try to last as

long as possible.

Defence/Offence:

I have my reenactment Springfield 1861 rifle (with bayonet) and

a revolver from 1895 and I have a few bags of blackpowder. I

could meld useless stuff in bullets and pray for the best of it !

[narcolepsy 581]

Rationing:

What you will do when you run out of food & water.

If possible,I would try to rob the supermarket of all her meat and

bottled water and dry the meat at my place and try to last as

long as possible.

Store them in those blue barrels in salt.

[Brian 972]

Intel: These fuckers are Walking Dead style. See something? Follow it. Was that a fucking sound? Well hold my crotch less panties lets go eat it! Some are slow, some don't even have legs and drag themselves around like it's FDR without crutches, others are pretty fast and make you tired as shit since you spent your life playing GTA and eating Doritos.

Refuge: First I'd have to make sure I wouldn't shit myself and sit around crying until I die off due to starvation and dehydration. Once that's over with, I gotta get some people cause I don't wanna be all alone. Go rob a gun store or police station or some shit. IF there is still order and military/police around, I wait. I don't evacuate cause we all know there's nowhere to go. I make my way to a marina and get a big ass boat. Then I live there until it's time to leave. If zombies can swim well then fuck.

Rationing: Take as much non-perishable food and water as possible.

Defense/Offence: Lots of light melee weapons, but ones that aren't too small. No way in hell I'm getting up and close with zombies. Try to find powerful rifles and a sniper for when shit hits the fan. Lighter weapons like pistols and silencers/pillows. Walking dead style remember.

All in all if you can wait a few years without being stupid and dying, then the zombies would decay enough where they wouldn't be able to have the advantage and kill us. Maybe go to a deserted island. Then after that try to find as many survivors and fuck like rabbits until civilization is restored. Then watch it happen again...